I won’t lie. I have been slack last year. Although i’ve created and done more in 2010 than in all the years before that; i still haven’t come close to pushing myself hard enough. For every hour i worked at my art, i spent at least an hour playing. Why was i being so slack? Many reasons.

1. I was judging myself by those around me. At my video, animation and art classes, the vast majority of my fellow students are really quite lazy, and i think you’ll find this throughout a lot of the arts in academia. There are a lot of hangers on, wannabe critics who are to lazy or scared to practice what they rip on, and people making excuses for themselves. Although it wasn’t fully conscious, as long as my work and the effort i was putting into it was up there with the 15-10% of people who actually had REAL passion for it, i was happy. This is a big mistake, especially at this point in my life as a creator. I don’t want to compete with lazy people in this city or even in this country, i want to compete with the masters GLOBALLY! Some people take the act of creating as a hobby and that’s ok, but i’m not one of those people. For me the act of creating art, film, music is everything. I’m sure psychologists would have something to say to me about that being an issue but fuck them, the people whose work i admire didn’t get to where they are by ‘chilling out’ and having a great social life. Also, when i admire someone who’s work really influences me, i don’t just want to meet them and shake their hand or whatever, i want to fight them. This may sound weird but hear me out. Although I would consider a director such as ‘M Dot Strange’ for example, an inspiration, a mentor and even a friend; i also consider him my enemy. I want to battle him through our artworks on the world stage. Even though i respect him and his work, he’s one of my targets to beat. It’s a battle with no winners.

2. FEAR. What can i say, fear does get to me sometimes. Fear that i’ll never get anywhere with what i’m doing. Fear that my ideas will never be great. And most of all, the fear that can to get me the most is the simple fear that the piece of work i’m about to start on, will turn out crap. When this happens and you only have the deadline you set yourself, you start to procrastinate and put off working on it; which is totally illogical when you think about it but it’s how your brain reacts. However when you do actually start to work on the project the fear recedes and ideas, energy and creativity start to pour from you. So the lesson here(although it’s easier to say than do, is even if  you feel fear at the start of a project or gig; ignore it and begin as fast as you can.

3. The nagging feeling that i should be out partying and having a great social life. It’s really a case of ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’.  When i’m out partying, drinking and taking drugs or whatever, i get bored and start to feel i’m wasting my time and want to get back to work. After you’ve done it enough you start to realize every bar, party and event is the same, and full of the same types of people. Don’t get me wrong, i like hanging out with my friends but most of the time i’d rather be working on a story or doing some art etc. I fully realized this last friday when i went with a friend to a chiptune event and we got talking about this kind of thing. He is also passionate about his art like me, but when i asked him if he had that nagging sensation, he said he didn’t which really made me think about it. My case probably isn’t helped by things such as facebook, where i read about a bunch of people going out and doing AWESOMEXXXCORE things. Over the years when i became one of those people, i started to realise that it’s all bullshit, . Facebook will always exaggerate peoples lives, almost to the point where being someone and being the perception of someone through facebook become distinctly different.

I’ve decided to choose the path of a creator, and it’s a life i absolutely love. There are many sacrifices that must be made though, and a healthy social life is one of them. I know now that i’m ready to do this.

So it’s a new year and i’m a new(ish) man. I’m getting up at 9am every morning and start work no matter how late i’m up the night before. I get an hour in the morning for shower, food, feed cats and to wake up. An hour at lunch and dinner for meals and breaks. An the rest is work all day every day until 11pm, when i can chill out and watch some interesting movies, anime etc. and probably fall asleep from exhaustion.

Although i will not really be able to keep to this EVERY day as i have to go to classes, gather food, go for a run and pump some weights occasionally; but i will try to adhere to it as much as possible.

RAGE ON!

-PERM

Advertisements